Grief,
Sympathy, and Support:
How to Offer Comfort When Someone is Hurting
What
do you say to someone who has just lost a child to death? What do you say
to someone whose parent has died from a lingering illness? What do you say
when a family member lost their life in a war you don't believe in? What
do you say when the death came about from murder? Or suicide? Or drug
overdose?
An
odd by-product of my loss is that I'm aware of being an embarrassment to
everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as
they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they'll say
something about it' or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don't
~
C.S. Lewis from A Grief Observed
It
is often easier to say nothing than risk saying the wrong thing. However,
the death of a loved one is the worst thing that can happen to someone and
so to ignore the survivor, or fail to mention the loss, is to add to the
hurt.
Friends
and relatives need to talk about the loss and to know that they are safe
in discussing it with you. They need to be reassured that you acknowledge
their feelings, concerns and actions. Once you have accepted that a death
has occurred and that the loved one needs your support and sympathy, there
are ways to help the survivor.
*
Do continue support after the funeral.
* Do listen when they need to talk about the death, person or the impact
on them,
* Accept where they are and don't try to hurry them through their grief
process.
* Don't compare their tragedy to someone else's or your own.
* Don't expect them to counsel and comfort you.
* Never say "I know how you feel" because you don't. Each loss
is unique.
* Do provide practical support-food, money, car rides, babysitting etc.
* Do provide social support and remind them you are available to listen
and help as well as go out in public.
There
are lots of ways to give verbal support and sympathy. Non verbal
communication is the language of relationships. If the survivor is in
shock, they may not remember what you said, but will always remember what
you did.. Sometimes a pat on the arm, a hug, cleaning the house, raking
the leaves, filling the car with gas, or writing a note lets the survivor
know that you care.
These
are just a few of the ways to let others know that you are aware of their
sadness and acknowledge their feelings. When you offer a hand of sympathy
and support, you help the survivor know they are not alone on this
journey.
Will
it always be accepted with gratitude? No. Should you offer the hand of
love and acceptance anyway?
Yes.
This is not about you. It is a way to honor those who have died and those
who are left behind.
For
more tips
and suggestions on how to offer
your support, you may like to visit
my blog.
Your kind words and unconditional support are the most important thing
you can offer.
