1.
Develop community by cooperation not competition: Determine to work
together with the other adults in the child's life to support and
encourage their endeavors. Vow to only say positive things about the
other parent, and to remain impartial when you hear negative. If the new
step dad wants to coach the little league team, then you find another
way to share your love. Reinforce how fortunate the child is to have all
these adults in life who love him. Put the child's welfare first.
2.
Mutual respect with family meetings: Your family is an organization, and
all high functioning organizations have planning meetings and an action
plan to accomplish their goals. Set aside at least one hour every week
to listen, talk and have some open dialog about how things are going in
your home. This is not a time for criticism, lectures or threats.
3.
Have a few firm and kind rules: Decide as a family what is important to
you. Do you speak with respect to one another? Do you want homework done
before dinner? Do you all have chores and work together to keep the
house comfortable? You don't want a long detailed list, but rather some
general areas, which you all agree are important to "this
family."
4.
Be the adult in charge. When a child says, "I hate you, you are not
my mommy. I don't have to do what you say" it may hurt your
feelings. This is pretty inevitable, so get over it and tell the child,
"You are right, I am not your parent, but I do care about you and
want what is best for all the members of the family. Right now, I am the
adult in charge and this is the rule for this house."
5.
Plan for transition time: Recognize that it is difficult and confusing
for children to have a different set of rules at Mommy's house and
Daddy's house. It is also hard for them to know who is in charge when
the exchange of authority is made at child care. Be gentle as you remind
them that you have confidence in their ability to remember how to act
appropriately in all situations.
6.
Discipline with dignity: Remember there is a big difference between the
deed and the doer. It is the behavior that is irritating, not the child.
When you correct, correct the behavior and express confidence in the
child making better choices next time. The best teaching comes from
using natural or logical consequences that are linked with the mistake.
7.
Make a commitment to the marriage: Have a date night where the focus is
not on the kids, bills, ex-partners or anything but each other. You need
to establish a stable, loving partnership that will withstand all the
little and big bumps in this journey. This is not about yours, mine,
ours, theirs, who did what to who when. It is about climbing the steps
to successful parenting together as a couple.
