Setting
Boundaries in Relationships
Setting
personal boundaries are like identifying the gates in our invisible fence
lines which protects the precious heart and soul inside our bodies. Many
people look at boundaries as walls, but rather when we establish healthy
boundaries it provides a way to distinguish what we choose to let in and
let out. They form flexible gates, not stationary walls It is important to
learn about setting healthy boundaries so we can make decisions about what
is and what isn’t permissible in all relationships.
Boundaries
are Valuable
All
relationships work more harmoniously when the participants know what to
expect and what is expected of them. Being kind, but firm when stating
what you need from a relationship allows the other person to reciprocate.
How other people act and think often has nothing to do with you, but
rather with their own perceptions. You can only take care of yourself.
It
doesn’t matter how elaborate the fencing and eloquent our statements
are, if we don’t honor ourselves enough to draw the line and stick to it
consistently. It is just as valuable to the other person that they learn
how to be with you and what the guidelines are for the relationship.
Body
Language and Tone of Voice
Verbal
communication is the language of information and only 20 % is absorbed.
Body language and tone of voice is the language of relationships and 80%
is remembered. Make sure you appear confident and you speak with a
neutral, calm and non-accusing tone when establishing your boundaries. Use
“I” statements which reflect on how things affect you, rather than
“you” statements which put people on the defensive.
4-Step
Model for Setting Boundaries
1.
Calmly inform the other person by stating, “I feel uncomfortable and
want to shut down when you yell at me.”
2.
Request that they honor your boundary. “I ask that you talk to me
without yelling.” Or ..For me to listen and hear what you are saying
to me, I need to you speak to me in a calm voice without yelling.
3.
Insist that they honor your boundary, again with a firm but kind voice,
“I insist that when we are talking we talk in calm voices.”
4.
Leave the situation. Now is not the time or place to continue
communicating with someone who refuses to respect your boundaries. Leave
the door open to talk later in a more respectful manner. Continue to
maintain a calm but firm voice and say, “I will not continue this
conversation in this way. I welcome an opportunity to talk with you
without yelling or screaming at another time. Let me know if you decide
to visit without raised voices.”
Don’t
Take it Personally
You
can not assume responsibility for other people’s feelings, agendas or
methods of communication. You can only state how you desire to be treated
in life. If there are old patterns, it may take some time to convince
others that you are serious about sticking to your boundaries. Everyone
has the right to be treated with respect and courtesy.
People
you know may be surprised at first when you tell them they have crossed
the line, but will respect you more in the end. Hopefully, they will model
this communication style and it will make for more honest and open
relationships for all.
