Making Friends: How to Make Friends
and Build Relationships

“How do I teach my child social skills, when I don’t know how to make friends?”

“How do you have time to maintain a friendship when life is so busy with work and kids?”

These are just some of the questions that were asked by adult participants about their own lack of intimate friends at my parenting workshop on The Left Out Child-The Importance of Friendship. The evidence is overwhelming on why good peer relationships enhance the quality of life and learning for children as well as adults.

How adults manage social situations affects the way those children around them view human interaction. If you have meaningful relationships that add pleasure and joy to the quality of your life, they will see and want to have the same thing. When the extended circle of caring nurtures the individual, they will look for the similar qualities in their friends.

Friendship has been describes as the springboard to every other love. Communication and interaction skills learned with friends spill over into every other relationship in life. Those who have no friends also tend to have a diminished capacity for sustaining marriages, work and neighborhood relationships.

If your children are involved in extra-curricular activities, step up and invite the other families to share a pot luck meal before or after the game. Our son’s soccer team had a pasta meal before every game, rotating between houses of players and coaches. It allowed the families to form a bond of support and friendship that moved beyond the soccer field.

The best way I know to tackle social anxiety and make a friend is to be approachable and open to others. Non-verbal language is the communication of relationships and 55% of the emotional meaning of a message is expressed through body language. Another 38% is transmitted through the tone of our voice. Only 7% is actually expressed by words. Verbal language is the language of information, and may or may not be remembered. When you smile and look people in the eye, extend your hand and ask to be included, you will be. If you posture, facial tone and confidence, says “I like myself” others will like you too.

Making friends is a skill and skills can be learned. Like many life skills, they may not be easy, but they are simple and just need to be practiced until they become second nature. Yes, it can take time and effort on your part to build a network of people you can trust and care for and who will in turn be loyal and kind to you. It is well worth the effort for you and your children to find a support system to be with in the good times and the not so good times that accompany all of us in life..

Building and maintaining relationships will be one of the most rewarding projects of your life.

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Setting personal boundaries are like identifying the gates in our invisible fence lines which protects the precious heart and soul inside our bodies. Many people look at boundaries as walls, but rather when we establish healthy boundaries it provides a way to distinguish what we choose to let in and let out. They form flexible gates, not stationary walls It is important to learn about setting healthy boundaries so we can make decisions about what is and what isn’t permissible in all relationships.

Boundaries are Valuable

All relationships work more harmoniously when the participants know what to expect and what is expected of them. Being kind, but firm when stating what you need from a relationship allows the other person to reciprocate. How other people act and think often has nothing to do with you, but rather with their own perceptions. You can only take care of yourself.

It doesn’t matter how elaborate the fencing and eloquent our statements are, if we don’t honor ourselves enough to draw the line and stick to it consistently. It is just as valuable to the other person that they learn how to be with you and what the guidelines are for the relationship.

Body Language and Tone of Voice

Verbal communication is the language of information and only 20 % is absorbed. Body language and tone of voice is the language of relationships and 80% is remembered. Make sure you appear confident and you speak with a neutral, calm and non-accusing tone when establishing your boundaries. Use “I” statements which reflect on how things affect you, rather than “you” statements which put people on the defensive.

4-Step Model for Setting Boundaries

1. Calmly inform the other person by stating, “I feel uncomfortable and want to shut down when you yell at me.”

2. Request that they honor your boundary. “I ask that you talk to me without yelling.” Or ..For me to listen and hear what you are saying to me, I need to you speak to me in a calm voice without yelling.

3. Insist that they honor your boundary, again with a firm but kind voice, “I insist that when we are talking we talk in calm voices.”

4. Leave the situation. Now is not the time or place to continue communicating with someone who refuses to respect your boundaries. Leave the door open to talk later in a more respectful manner. Continue to maintain a calm but firm voice and say, “I will not continue this conversation in this way. I welcome an opportunity to talk with you without yelling or screaming at another time. Let me know if you decide to visit without raised voices.”

Don’t Take it Personally

You can not assume responsibility for other people’s feelings, agendas or methods of communication. You can only state how you desire to be treated in life. If there are old patterns, it may take some time to convince others that you are serious about sticking to your boundaries. Everyone has the right to be treated with respect and courtesy.

People you know may be surprised at first when you tell them they have crossed the line, but will respect you more in the end. Hopefully, they will model this communication style and it will make for more honest and open relationships for all.

Giving Feedback to Increase Self-Esteem:
Use Respect, Not Ridicule

Your intention is to motivate a child or employee to do better. You are clear in your mind what you want to achieve and the behavior that you want changed. You expect to be listened to and obeyed! You are right and they are wrong. Someday, they will be grateful that you cared enough to show them what they were doing incorrectly.

Sound familiar? When a situation calls for feedback, we tend to justify our position and come at the situation from a power standpoint. This tends to put the other person in a defensive status and what may have started out as a visit turns into a confrontation, with words and emotions expressed that are not helpful. The ridicule will actually not accomplish what you had hoped and will harm the relationship.

Ridicule or Contempt

Ridiculing someone is to mock by reducing or dismissing them in a contemptuous way. Sometimes the ridicule may be verbal as in a criticism; “You just can’t get this through your thick head, can you?” The disrespect may be done in a completely non-verbal but powerful way; rolling your eyes, crossing your arms and leaning back, smirking or looking away when the other person is talking.

Non-Verbal Language

Verbal or spoken language is the communication of information. Most people only remember about 20% of what is said. Non verbal or body language is the communication of relationships. People look at your facial expressions to see how you really feel about what you are saying and the person you are saying it to. They listen to your tone of voice to gauge how sincere you are.

Respect and Acknowledge Unique Styles

Your child and you are going to make mistakes. You are human. That is just how life goes as we learn from experiences on what works for us and when we need to find another solution. We can make mistakes but still be competent, worthwhile and intelligent people.

No one is going to be perfect, and to only settle for perfection is to set yourself and your child up for failure. If your children have never seen you acknowledge that you screwed up or made a mistake, they will be hesitant to take risks.

Feedback or Criticism

You may be embarrassed to talk about your own mistakes and errors in judgment. That is natural to be hesitant to appear vulnerable but it is unfair to your child to feel that he or she is not reaching your expectations and is a disappointment to you.

Perhaps you can say something like; “I know that you feel badly about the grade. I have felt that way when I worked hard on a project and it didn’t go as well as I had planned. However, I found that the next time it went better for me when I wrote an agenda. What do you think might help you do better next time?

Respect and Tolerance Build Confidence and Self-Image

Thank you for doing this important work to build communication in relationships. Others value your input and suggestions and will want to do the best they can. But when mistakes happen, remember; mistakes are never final and we all make them. It is how we learn.

(c) Judy H. Wright http://www.ArtichokePress.com. You have permission to reprint this article in your blog, ezine or offline magazine as long as you keep the content and contact information intact. Thank You. Artichoke Press is the home site of Judy H. Wright, family relationship coach and author. You will also find a full listing of free tele-classes and radio shows held each Thursday just for you. If your organization would like to schedule Auntie Artichoke, the storytelling trainer, for a workshop please call 406.549.9813. You are also invited to visit http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com for answers and suggestions if you are experiencing family problems that are deeper than a book or article can solve. This program will transform your family. Thanks for joining our community of caring parents, family members, coaches, teachers and mentors who want to help raise a generation of responsible adults.

Righting a Wrong Choice:
Everybody and Everything Deserves a Second Chance

What do you do when you realize that you have made a mistake? Is there a way to make it right with the person who has been hurt? Is an apology enough? How can we be sure that we won’t make the same mistake again?

Here are some great tips to help you make a wrong choice into a right decision. Everyone and everything deserves a second chance.

1. Reflection: Take some time to think about the choice you made and what else you could have done. Assume responsibility for your choices, decisions and reactions; blaming, excuses or circumstances are not a reason to act inappropriately.

2. Recognize: Acknowledge that what you did was wrong, disrespectful or unkind. Recognize that even if you feel you were in the right, there are two sides to every story. Is there a way that everyone involved wins? Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How does it feel?

3. Remorse: Remorse is a sincere feeling of sadness in your heart that it happened and you either knowingly or unknowingly hurt someone else. Be truly sorry and express it in an apology. People need to hear the words. You may need to ask for forgiveness.

4. Restitution: Try to make it better by returning, repairing or restoring, if possible. What do you think is fair? How could you restore a good relationship or trust?

5. Resolve: Resolve to make wiser choices in the future by thinking of options and the kind of person you want to be. Resolve to listen more closely to your moral compass or inner voice. You aren’t perfect and we all make mistakes, but resolve to try again and again and again if necessary. Mistakes are never final and be grateful we occasionally get “do-overs” in life.

6. Release: If you have done all you can to remedy the mistake, then let it go. Forgive yourself if you were in the wrong and forgive the other person if you feel they were responsible for hurting you. You can only be responsible for your own choices, reactions and feelings. Don’t carry guilt, grudges or anger forward in your life. It can make you sick, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Do what you can to remedy the situation and then allow it to flow away.

Everyone and everything deserves a second chance.

(c) Judy H. Wright http://www.ArtichokePress.com. You have permission to reprint this article in your blog, ezine or offline magazine as long as you keep the content and contact information intact. Thank You. Artichoke Press is the home site of Judy H. Wright, family relationship coach and author. If your organization would like to schedule Auntie Artichoke, the storytelling trainer, for a workshop please call 406.549.9813. You are also invited to visit our blog at http://www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com for answers and suggestions which will enhance your relationships. You will also find a full listing of free tele-classes and radio shows held each Thursday just for you. Thanks for joining our community of caring parents, family members, coaches, teachers and mentors who want to help raise a generation of responsible adults.

Communication Skills to Help You Stop Fighting:
Conflict Resolution in Relationships

Social Anxiety:
Afraid to Meet New People & Make Friends?

Do you panic when you know you have to go to a party? Does giving a speech or presentation leaves you breathless and worried? Do you assume people will not like you or even worse, completely ignore your presence?

If you feel you are shy and introverted, do you want some tips on becoming more confident? If so, keep reading because this was written for anyone who has ever felt ill at ease on entering a room full of strangers.

Stress is Helpful in Some Instances

Feeling some stress or anxiety is natural in situations where you do not know what to expect. It is a good warning system that tells us to be alert for danger. But, the real danger comes from within when we allow our thoughts to become larger than real life.

Are you denying yourself the pleasure of meeting new people, because of your fears and imagined unhappy encounters? If social anxiety is making you sick and isolated, then it is time to change the behavior.

Shyness is a Behavior not a Feeling

Many shy and lonely people assume that they are the way they are because that is the way they were born. They assume that some people have self confidence and an air of positive well being and they just missed having that part in their personality.

Uncomfortable social situations must thus be avoided at all costs, reinforcing the erroneous belief system about learning new skills.

Shyness is not a feeling. It is a behavior and behaviors can be changed. Behaviors are like skills and skills can be learned. Playing the piano is a skill. Some people will always have an easier time learning, but they still need to know the fundamentals and practice in order to become proficient. Confidence is a skill. Non verbal body language is a skill. Assertive behavior which recognizes the boundaries of others is a skill.

Confidence is a Life Skill

Even if you tend to see the negative or look at life with pessimistic eyes, it is possible to change your viewpoint. Becoming an encouraging person with an attitude of gratitude is a skill and takes work and practice.

It takes a process similar to improving any other skill you have conquered in your life. Think back on when you learned to ride a bike, play an instrument or speak a foreign language. Think about how you or a child you know learned to play the piano.

In Order to Learn any Skill You Must Have a Deep Desire to:

1. Be aware and clear in your mind of the advantages in learning something new and incorporating it into your life.
2. Ask to be mentored or taught by someone you trust.
3. Learn the basics and don’t expect perfection right away.
4. Expect some setbacks and don’t become discouraged.
5. Set up a plan of action with small steps in order to reach the ultimate goal.
6. Focus on effort and use self encouragement.
7. Move forward and do something every day to keep moving forward.
8. Enjoy the skill as it becomes automatic action and enhances your life.

Everyone Would like to be a Pianist, but Not Very Many People like to Practice

If you would like assistance in overcoming social anxiety and shyness, I encourage you to check out my new book, Building Self-Confidence with Encouraging Words. 

Thanks for joining our community of caring parents, family members, coaches, teachers and mentors who want to help raise a generation of responsible adults